ambition is a funny thing. i have never really thought of myself as the particularly ambitious type, though i know there are at least a half a dozen people that would argue with me in a new york minute if they heard me say that. the fact of the matter here is simple. (please heed this warning; i do not wish to sound arrogant but that might be how it comes off.) when i was in school, up until about eleventh grade, i was always bored because school came easy to me and there was nothing that i really liked. i oculd just coast. i found something in psychology, perhaps a kinship to those who are a little bit less than sane themselves, who knows and i coasted through college, enjoying (for the most part) only courses that fell within my personal interests and strengths. anyway, here i sit today, having just come off a major accomplishment of electing a democrat county wide in a notoriously republican county and i find myself wondering, now what?
perhaps i am addicted to the hard work, dedication, weird hours and unique experience that is campaign work and once i adjust to being in the real world again, i'll be fine. perhaps i'm still realing from an amazing slew of democratic victories that happened hardly more than a week ago that were so many months coming. i know that i'm sufficiently behind the curve when i write this since it has already been more than a week but god, i'm thrilled that barack obama is my new president. for those who are aware of my love for him, i'm sure you can imagine the stupid grin i wore when he won and still wear at the thought.
anyway, i was thinking today while i was working about what i want to do next with my life. everyone else is talking about who they will work for, what they want to do, offices they want to run for, money they will raise and the influence they will have. some have been foolish enough to ponder aloud what it would be like for all of us to serve on the county board or the state house together. while yes, i have already run for a public office and yes, i like the idea of winning and yes, i feel pretty confident that i know how to win now, i don't think that i actually ever want to hold an elected office. there is something appealing about being behind the scenes. or perhaps this is only because i haven't yet gotten to a place where i feel like i could make an effective difference as an elected official. who knows.
during "lunch" (which was really just a meeting while two of the four of us ate) it was made clear that the two gentlemen i was having lunch with had bright futures ahead of them and that it was something they were both actually looking forward to achieving. i, on the other hand, have only one aspiration that i can currently think of. i want to want something. i want to feel compelled to do something, to want to do it, to have a genuine desire and interest.
i guess this is a plight that exists outside of my work life also. i'm not particularly certain about much of anything lately, for what that's worth. i have yet to get to a point where i am happy to accept something mundane and average, accept a life of what should be rather than what life could be. but maybe this is what happens in your twenties; you realize that you can only be yourself and expect what is realistic.
reality sucks.
from the girl that isn't fierce or pretty enough to be a model (looks like a world of work for me) until next time...
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