to whom it may concern:
before we get started, allow me to be clear that i am very aware of the kind of person that i am. i am stubborn, opinionated and have a profound tendency to think that i am always right. i don't mean to be critical nor is it my intention to judge for the sake of judging. (you are hardly the type of person that has been okay with that rather charming side of my personality.) what i think i need to do, mostly for my own selfish reasons, is write out what's on my mind, so i know it's gone and i can stop thinking about it. i harbor no belief that you are going to listen which is why i'm not actually drafting this as an email to send to you. i'm also not sending it because i'm fairly confident that i can't find a nice way to say what i'm thinking, thus it might (read: likely will) hurt you which is not my intention. i understand that even though it is not my intention, i'm probably going to hurt you. and while an eye for an eye might leave the whole world blind, i think ghandi seriously underestimated how good it feels to throw a couple daggers when you've been hit for so long. this is probably why he was quoted and generally regarded as a good person and i have earned my reputation as a bitch.
on to the point then, for some time, i regarded you as my best friend. as the one person on this earth that i could tell whatever to and know that it would be ok, guarded, protected. i knew that you would give me advise, engage in foolish activities, travel, make new friends, etc etc etc. it was an absolute pleasure while it lasted. in seven years, most of the memories i have of the time we spent together are quite good (with really only a few exceptions.) don't get me wrong, i always expected things would change and from the days in 2003 to early 2010, things did change. a lot. and honestly, that's not the problem. i have no qualm that things were naturally going to change because that is what happens. things changed when you moved, things changed when we finished college, things change when your relationship ended. the issue i have is simple, we changed, our friendship changed, my expentations never did. this is where things got bad, i got disappointed.
perhaps i'm wrong to feel that way but i do believe that somewhere along the way you were one of many people who tried to convince me that feelings can't be wrong. i suppose maybe i'm wrong, perhaps i shouldn't have expected so much of you but to be fair, you had always lived up to my expectations. it started to feel like i was letting you down too. and we both know how i cope, or rather don't cope, with feeling like a disappointment. we did party together but it seemed that as i didn't need that to be the central focus or if i was unable to make it a central focus then i was no longer necessary. i was a play mate and as soon as i didn't want to play, i no longer had a need. that might sound dramatic but honestly, that's exactly how it felt. think about demf if you need an example. one day was more than enough for me and when i didn't want to go back, you responded as if there must be something wrong with me. there isn't and there wasn't. demf was a good time years ago and now, i'm happy to go for one day and have that be more than enough.
i'm not going to go into the issue of tfg or any of the surrounding issues that caused. i think that you should be smart enough to realize the bullshit we all got to live through while you "learned your lesson." we've actually talked about this much more thoroughly than i would ever like to discuss tfg. one thing i never said though: it kills me that he was more important to you than your friendship with me. and the choices you made with that really make me wonder if there is anyway that our friendship can be put back together. i'm inclined to say that it can't.
i feel like you are going through some kind of quarter life crisis. any semblance of stability that you have known, you are running away from, you are pushing out people close to you and creating a network of playmates and bar friends. i suppose that is fine if that's what you want but it seems like a really lonely place. more importantly, this is what i ran away from with jason all those years ago. it seems to me that what you are looking at is the bottom and quite frankly, of all the places that i have joined you, that isn't one that i'm willing to join you. i think you need to seriously examine your life and consider pulling yourself together because i'm worried about you. so worried that it only makes sense for me to pull away. please feel free to contact me if you start to take steps to put your life back together, but only then. thank you.
i'm sorry if this has hurt you but i'm pretty confident that you didn't read this. in fact, i'm pretty sure you don't know about this blog so i feel safe and more important comforted in knowing that all that junk is out of my head.
best of luck to you.
from the girl who works to maintain "bitch" status
until next time...
