love, logic and stuff.

if life is like a box of chocolates, as forrest gump once said, then i have found myself with a box filled with a bunch of dark chocolate truffles and half of them are coconut (which i really don't like.  coconut kind of makes me want to be sick.)  it always seems that when life is particularly good, i am bound to have it made bittersweet in one fell swoop.  but that's okay.  i'm kind of a bitter person and i've always had a taste for bitter, i.e. black coffee, dark dark chocolate, espresso.  the other day, i got a job offer from my boss, because now that the campaign is over, i need a new job and i like that i get to keep the same boss.  it's a great offer and i am thrilled to accept it.  but as i was receiving this excellent news, that settled my wandering and worrying mind at least about this particular dilemma, i also received a text message from the boyfriend about a job offer he received.  it is a similarly awesome opportunity for him however, it will take him across the country.  he has not yet accepted this offer; he told them that he wanted time to think and make his decision which includes discussing this with me.  i feel that this is the time when the caring and loving girlfriend of four years would say something profound or at least helpful.  i panicked.  while i wasn't entirely silent or tossed up instant bad advice, i responded by saying that this was definitely something to discuss.  not necessarily the most kind answer, nor the kind of answer i would have liked if the situation was reversed.  like i said, i panicked.

this is, for a lot of reasons, a big decision for him.  it will undoubtable be a life changing experience, whether he takes the job or not.  it is my hope and desire for him, to do whatever it is that is going to make him happy.  because that is what i want for him; i want him to be happy with his choice and to later not feel regret or wonder what might have happened if he took this chance.  sure, that is not the answer i would want from him because it certainly does not make decision making easier.  this is a relationship, a partnership so my opinion should be valued and i know that by saying i want him to do what will make him happy he will feel as though this discounts what i want in order to be happy.  (i know this not just through speculation but because he has told me so.)  i believe this is officially what is known as a conundrum but i do believe the choice is simple to make.  do what will make you happy because if for no other reason, bitterness does not suit him.

then there is one of those damn coconut pieces again.  while the job, the opportunity, the adventure might make him happy, our original plan was for him to move back to michigan after finishing grad school and we would move in together.  (not get married, mind you, because i won't do that until the gays can too.  fair is fair after all.)  happy in one aspect but a high chance of unhappy in another.  so now we are left with figuring out, if he is to move, what do we do?  the vast bulk of our relationship has been a long distance experience so if he was to move, it wouldn't be a very different day to day experience.  it is notably further away so no more surprise visits because he wanted to drive home to see me and i certainly couldn't just pop in unannounced just to see his face.  it would require coordination and planning and would almost entirely kill spontaneity.  but those are just details right?  if we love each other, if we can make it work, if our relationship is as strong as we both think it is, then we can still be fine right and it's worth the gamble?

ah but of course, there is an added factor here that has yet to be laid out.  it goes a little something like this.  i love him, this is a true statement and he loves me, a similarly true statement.  but he and i have gotten to a point in our relationship where the only thing we really talk about is work and the news.  maybe it's a phase but it seems to me like things are a little bit, unemotional.  we aren't cold with each other but when we say i love you when we are about to hang up on the phone, it is more like an automatic response than a genuine feeling.  it is my understanding that even if you are in love, it doesn't always look beautiful and it doesn't always feel like butterflies in your stomach.  but there should always be a feeling there.  love is an emotion after all.  our love is logical.  it makes sense and we have become incredible friends.  incredible friends who sleep together.  i hate to think that is what he and i have come to; that this is what our relationship very likely will become.  i suppose knowing that he at least partially feels the way i do, that i'm not alone in the way that i see our relationship is the silver lining to this cloud.  

like alanis morissette, i believe that one and one make two and unfortunately, i think that, in this relationship, one and one have added up to two very different and separate lives.  it breaks my heart to think about the gravity of what this means, the idea that maybe sometimes loves isn't enough, especially not when love becomes a logical decision rather than an emotional response.  nothing is final yet; we haven't thoroughly discussed anything about this particular topic yet.  but without all those particulars being laid out and using what i feel to guide me instead of what i think (this is a big deal for me, it doesn't happen often) i feel like he and i will come to a conclusion about all of this very soon.  i love having such a tremendous person in my life, such a wonderful, loving and caring friend  but we both deserve so much more than what either of us can offer.  i hate it when the truth is a total bummer.

from the girl who let her heart smack her brain around for once, and is painfully feeling every minute of it.  until next time...

musing (twice in one day after failing for weeks.)

now listen, i never made any false pretenses that life would be easy as a grown up. i never really thought that things landed at your feet or necessarily went the way you planned. but i did think one thing. i've hardly ever been the kind of person that has given much thought to an affair. i'm not even thinking about it now. but my reason behind this is some giant beacon of morality. no it is much easier than all of that. two reasons really. number one, i have a hard enough time keeping up one relationship, how could i possibly imagine dealing with two? especially if i would have to be hiding them from each other? number two, i don't think i have ever seriously liked more than one person at a time and i know that i have only ever loved one person at a time. and by "at a time" i mean ever. see, this is much more simple than jesus or something. it's laziness and that shit is bullet proof.

the other night, bare in mind this is some five days after my four year anniversary, i found myself thinking what it would be like to sleep with someone else. not even necessarily have sex but to share a bed with another man. i am not much of a cuddler but the thought crossed my mind anyway. what would it be like to sleep with someone else? i wasn't particularly freaked out by my train of thought, though i probably should have been. i mean seriously, what kind of person thinks about sleeping with someone else just casually as if it was a thought about what to wear to work the next day? the problem best as i can tell is that i think i might want to. this is not to say that i want to end my relationship but i can't really see a situation where i sleep (non-sexually) with another man and stay in my relationship.

i wouldn't say that i am bored with my relationship. i love him but i fear that he and i may have made it to the end of our time together. for reasons i would rather not explicitly lay out on the internet, it has become clear to me that i may have either reassess how i feel about certain beliefs i hold on to tight, find a reasonable compromise, or experience what life may hold as a single twenty something. but i'm jumping to conclusions. it was just a thought one time. there can't possibly be harm in that.

but thought one time, what can that turn into? that is what worries me. i am quite capable of dealing with my own emotions and bullshit and certianly just because i think something does in now way lead it to be true or real.

i'll shelf it for now. no sense in worrying about non-sense that was just a thought one time.

from that girl who thinks too much until next time...

i'll never be america's next top model.

ambition is a funny thing. i have never really thought of myself as the particularly ambitious type, though i know there are at least a half a dozen people that would argue with me in a new york minute if they heard me say that. the fact of the matter here is simple. (please heed this warning; i do not wish to sound arrogant but that might be how it comes off.) when i was in school, up until about eleventh grade, i was always bored because school came easy to me and there was nothing that i really liked. i oculd just coast. i found something in psychology, perhaps a kinship to those who are a little bit less than sane themselves, who knows and i coasted through college, enjoying (for the most part) only courses that fell within my personal interests and strengths. anyway, here i sit today, having just come off a major accomplishment of electing a democrat county wide in a notoriously republican county and i find myself wondering, now what?

perhaps i am addicted to the hard work, dedication, weird hours and unique experience that is campaign work and once i adjust to being in the real world again, i'll be fine. perhaps i'm still realing from an amazing slew of democratic victories that happened hardly more than a week ago that were so many months coming. i know that i'm sufficiently behind the curve when i write this since it has already been more than a week but god, i'm thrilled that barack obama is my new president. for those who are aware of my love for him, i'm sure you can imagine the stupid grin i wore when he won and still wear at the thought.

anyway, i was thinking today while i was working about what i want to do next with my life. everyone else is talking about who they will work for, what they want to do, offices they want to run for, money they will raise and the influence they will have. some have been foolish enough to ponder aloud what it would be like for all of us to serve on the county board or the state house together. while yes, i have already run for a public office and yes, i like the idea of winning and yes, i feel pretty confident that i know how to win now, i don't think that i actually ever want to hold an elected office. there is something appealing about being behind the scenes. or perhaps this is only because i haven't yet gotten to a place where i feel like i could make an effective difference as an elected official. who knows.

during "lunch" (which was really just a meeting while two of the four of us ate) it was made clear that the two gentlemen i was having lunch with had bright futures ahead of them and that it was something they were both actually looking forward to achieving. i, on the other hand, have only one aspiration that i can currently think of. i want to want something. i want to feel compelled to do something, to want to do it, to have a genuine desire and interest.

i guess this is a plight that exists outside of my work life also. i'm not particularly certain about much of anything lately, for what that's worth. i have yet to get to a point where i am happy to accept something mundane and average, accept a life of what should be rather than what life could be. but maybe this is what happens in your twenties; you realize that you can only be yourself and expect what is realistic.

reality sucks.

from the girl that isn't fierce or pretty enough to be a model (looks like a world of work for me) until next time...

not in the mood to be eaten by sharks.

once upon a time, i thought that i would go to college, meet the love of my life, graduate, start a fabulous career, get married and start a family at a reasonable age (in my mind, around 28-30.) i thought that i would know what i wanted to be when i grew up and that love would find a way to prove to me it was there. i thought i would understand what people meant when they say "i just knew he/she was the one." once upon a time, my life was going to be grand, difficult like life tends to be but when i looked back from my twilight i would smile and think, i did it all. i was going to have my life together.

once upon a reality, i went to college, found and still currently maintain love, graduated, stumbled into a career, and work tirelessly. of course, life hardly ever plans out the way you think. especially when the you that is moving on to the mid morning of your life also known as the twenties. in fact, in a lot of ways i think that i am the only thing that stands between me and what my once upon a time life. there is a deeply tragic thought; that i am the one who causes myself grief and creates a disconnection between what i dreamed of and what i experience. the marvelous thing here is that there is a simple solution. if i am what is in the way, perhaps all i need to do is shift to the left to be on my way.

the thing here is while that all sounds simple, it is hard for me to know if that once upon a time thinking even fits with the person that i am that is standing away from my potential greatness. several times in recent weeks i have been called out as "hating it when people are happy." this is in response to my groans and complaints when i happen upon people in my life (via facebook) that are married and/or have/having children. my response is that i don't hate happy people; i just expect more. but what the hell does that mean? i might be unfair in thinking that the people who i see while stalking diligently through facebook aren't happy and feel as if their once upon a time adolescent dreams aren't unfolding before their eyes. perhaps there is something wrong with the way that i think. my instant thought is that they have thrown away a part of their life, that they have sacraficed the time, the only time, in their life where they have the option to be selfish, to try ridiculous things, to love freely, to make mistakes, to start a career, to finish school, to skydive or skinny deep just because you can.

alright, i'm probably being unfair in assuming that because you have a spouse or a kid or two that all good and fun things in your life come crashing to a halt. what i am aware of is that all i have to account for is myself, my job and make sporatic appearances with my family and commit time to maintaining relationships that are dear to me, romantic and friendships. this is and always has been a common theme for me. i stumble in understanding what is the rush.

here's the kicker. i've been in a relationship with my love, my lover, my one and only, my first for nearly four years and we have been together longer than most of my married friends have been with their spouses. maybe they know something i don't know or felt something i don't feel. or maybe they are impetuous. i have never been a big fan of diving in without knowing what i'm getting myself into; i'm quite afraid of being malled to death by sharks. this is not the first, nor do i assume will it be the last time that i think myself into a tizzy about things i can never possibly come to a reasonable conclusion about. i think all the time and in this instance, i know that i have worked myself to a place where i understand that i am my own worst enemy because my brain is so much better at decision making than my heart.

hope that one doesn't bite me in the ass eventually.

just a few random thoughts mulling around in my mind.

from the girl that gets a little bit ill at the thought of marriage. until next time...