i'm about to get all political on you for a sec and i'm not mad about it.

in all fairness to my gender, i am a pretty terrible feminist.  honestly, it's not that i don't believe that we deserve fairness, equality and all that jazz because i definitely do.  what i have always believed is this.  there were and will continue to be fabulous women who have fought long and hard to make the advances on behalf of all of us.  given this fact, i can pay attention to other groups that are unfairly being treated as second class citizens.  that being said, i keep my eye on the ball when it comes to issues that pertain to rights.  i don't want to get blindsided and wake up one morning to find out that i am no longer afforded the rights that those foremothers have fought so hard for.  


i think that there are lot of women out there like me and i don't just think that because it makes me feel less guilty for not being more active as a feminist.  i think there is a fair amount of taking for granted what great things are in front of us.  to this point, i find myself completely and entirely pissed off right now. why?  i am so glad you asked.  let's have a little chat about this, about why i'm pissed off right now.  before i get started, let's remember a couple things.  1.  this is 2012.  2.  it is still 2012.


all around the country, legislators, legislatures, activists, people with big mouths and a venue and candidates alike are taking a stand...against contraception.  because apparently, women shouldn't be allowed to have such vile pills or devices covered by their employer provided health insurance.  everyone knows that if there is more birth control, there are more children being born out of wedlock.  and in the special case of being rush limbaugh, a woman who wants access to birth control pills is actually a slut who should make and put sex tapes on the internet so that pervy tax payers can feel like they got what they paid for.  you know, the pills.  come on, get your mind out of the gutter.  there were many pundits who took a stab at discussing why this was wrong, that mr. limbaugh's basic understanding of birth control pills and the way that they work was flawed so i'm not going to go there.  sure, 98% of women say that they have used some kind of birth control at some time in their lives but come on.  this is something that needs to be outlawed.  am i right?  stop the contraception use quick.  this is getting out of control.  wait.  98% of women.  98% of the majority of the population is not against contraceptives.  interesting.


ok maybe that's not enough. preventing access to contraceptives is pretty terrible.  calling a twenty something woman a slut on the radio three days in a row is pretty terrible too.  but both i think pale in comparison to the massive lengths that state legislatures around the country are going to to prevent women from having abortions.  you remember abortions?  that worst case scenario solution?  used in the event of unmentionable things happen, like rape or the mother could die if she was to carry the fetus into humanhood?  you know, not something that people are going out every saturday night hoping for.  you don't go to work on monday and chit chat with your colleagues over coffee discussing how awesome it was that you had an abortion on saturday.  abortion is not something that people make glib decisions about.  it is deeply personal and a horrible decision to have to make.  and it certainly should never be fodder for politics, for men to use to legislate their morality.  however, around the country, in an attempt to discourage abortions and basically make them illegal, legislatures are presenting legislation that like in pennsylvania, that will require women to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound to determine the fetal age of the fetus before an abortion can be performed and the screen must be left in the woman's line of vision.  don't worry, the state won't require you to look at it.  you can just close your eyes or something.  what the hell?  this is real legislation.  this is a real idea.  and there are plenty of men, including the governor of pennsylvania who don't see a problem with this legislation.  


look, it's not my goal to man bash.  i love men.  i do, really.  i love them more when they aren't trying to tell me what i can and cannot do with my body.  i love them more when they don't think that their morality is the be all and end all.  those men, i think deserve a slap across the mouth.  this kind of legislation and this kind of popular (most often GOP) opinion about women's health is just absurd and offensive.  i read recently that georgia is considering legislation that would require a woman to carry a still born to full term and one representative discussed his empathy for cows and pigs in a similar situation.  excuse me? what kind of back woods moron do you have to defend this legislation but to also compare women to pregnant barnyard animals??  i'm a vegetarian but i am aware that those animals that you feel empathy for are the ones that end up as bacon cheeseburgers. i'm confident that you are the kind of guy who eats such things and accordingly, your empathy does little to absolutely nothing for me.  


i'm not entirely sure what year these men think they are living in or what delusion they hold that if they just wish hard enough, believe hard enough and legislate stupidly enough we can go back in time to the good ole days.  you know, the days when women were property of their husbands and it was still acceptable to hit them.  back in the days when women were lesser.  true story here: you have a better chance of getting an entire room to clap and bring tinkerbell back to life than to wish hard enough to move women back into the dark ages.  there are a few things that i think that these men are forgetting.  first, women are 51% of the population and that makes us 51% of the voting body in this country.  scared for your jobs yet, horrible, bigoted legislators?  second and maybe even more importantly, the most effective way to bring women together is to give them a common enemy.  i never thought in my life that i would see a day where i agreed with meghan mccain on anything and yet, here we stand, agreeing that trans-vaginal ultrasounds are over the top.  this kind of legislation is going to bring women together in a very real way that should make these bigoted men very, very scared.  i am a woman and i'm afraid of the gravity of what would happen with all of us together, angry about the same thing and at the same group of people.

now i'm not one to just complain.  i'd like to offer some perspective.  if the u.s. house of representatives felt like it was appropriate to let this committee of dudes decide what is acceptable for birth control and women's health, i feel like it is my place as a good american to offer some of my suggestions.  suggestions that i hope those who find this legislation acceptable and even a good idea will take to heart and understand even in a small way that what they are doing is completely unacceptable, offensive and ridiculous.  


there is a state senator in ohio who has presented legislation for men in her state to get a prescription for viagra.  ah ha! this is the kind of stuff that i'm talking about.  this is the kind of thing that makes me sad that i can't present legislation.  senator nina turner has done an awesome thing with this bill that she's serious about, she says that she wants men to see a sex therapist, pass a stress test and have a signed affidavit from their sexual partner before they can get viagra.  i would like to take this one step further.  if there are men who think they can dictate what goes in a woman's body, i would like to offer this.  i know that on all the commercials for ED medication they say "ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sexual activity."  if the government can tell women's doctors how to determine what they can do, i would like for men's doctors to do the same thing.  here is what i propose.  let's get men up in one of those horrible chairs with the stirrups and require a rectal exam (you know, to determine the health of a man's prostate) before viagra or any other ED medication can be prescribed.  i have a sneaking suspicion that if men were told they had to stomach a probing with a six to eight inch device like what they are suggesting for women, they might back down a little bit.  and if not, well then either ED sales go down or men endure that which they think is fair to their female counterparts.  i'm talking about equality.  someone better make sure that the screen is in the line of vision for these men.  they need to know more about their bodies before they can make basic health decisions.

additionally, i offer this.  because we all know we shouldn't allow men to be able to make their own decisions about what is best for themselves.  if women can't be trusted, why should men?  honestly, i've been more mature than my male counterparts since late elementary school.  if i don't deserve the ability to make my own decisions about my own body and those dudes above can determine whether or not i should be allowed to have my insurance cover the pill, i want these women to determine whether men can have access to ED medication.  everyone knows that men who want ED medication are just sluts and if i have to pay for it (as a tax payer) then they should make sex tapes and put them online.  though honestly, i'd rather barf than have to consider bob dole or rush limbaugh having viagra fueled sex.  


anyway, besides how personally troubling this is to me as a young woman in america, i am curious about something that i can't seem to figure out.  what is the point of all this?  what is the point of trans-vaginal ultrasounds and denying access to birth control?  is it to distract us from the fact that all of the GOP candidates for president are duds?  is it to distract us so we don't notice that these extreme republican controlled legislatures around the country aren't doing anything to fix their states?  is it to distract us from the fact that the economy is rebounding while president obama still occupies the white house and that he will probably get another four years?  is this like what they did in 2004 and made the election about god, guns and gays so george bush could get his last four years?  i think it might be.  listen men who are writing this kind of nonsense.  it would serve you best to remember that it is 2012 and women are sick of you and this shit.  get to work on what needs to actually be achieved and maybe you'll be able to keep your job.  deal?


from the girl who needs to take a cool down lap around her office.


until next time...

if i hear the phrase "it's on my mind" one more time, i'm probably going to snap.

it's mid march in the mitten.  the sky is perfectly blue, no clouds and 70s degrees.  i'm totally jealous that i'm only looking at it through my window at work.  i may or may not be counting down the moments until i get outside and spend every moment possible outside before the sun goes down.  apparently it's supposed to rain tomorrow so this is my one chance.  this is the thing i love about michigan and always amuses me.  yesterday was also a gorgeous day here but this time of the year, you never know how long it's going to last.  so you watch people go to crazy lengths to get out and enjoy it because you know that even though the weather says 67 and rain tomorrow, it could snow.  people are bound to be out today sporting sandals, and probably bare legs.  i'm bound to see at least two men in shorts and probably one in a tank top.  i'm not immune to this.  as a life long michigander, i know what i'm in for.  sure i'm wearing shoes today but i'm not against switching them for the flip flops that are (still) in my car.  i'll roll down my windows when i drive home while blasting my music (old school madonna) because i can and it makes me happy.  and i plan to have a drink on a patio later.  yes, these are the days that i love.  they are warning me that summer is coming.  i'll take it, even if it is early and we didn't have real winter and i'm a little concerned that this is actually climate change...

the other day i went with n and saw the movie "the vow."  you know, the one with rachel mcadam and channing tatum.  she loses her memory after suffering a traumatic brain injury and channing tatum spends the movie trying to get her to remember shit, namely that they are married and in love.  my first problem with this movie is very simple. if i woke up after being in a coma and channing tatum was standing at the end of my bed and said to me "i'm your husband" i wouldn't even doubt him.  memory or no memory.  i would ask once to verify, you know, "really? you're sure?" then that would be it.  i would never ask another question trying to get him to prove to me that we are married.  though i might ask about changing our vows to include something about him always being shirtless when at home.  seems practical.

anyway, rachel mcadam lost her memory and lost five years of her life.  i think most people who saw this movie were sad that she lost her memory, lost the life that she had and had so much work to do to get back everything she lost in a moment.  well yeah.  i got that.  i was very sad for her and for channing tatum.  and maybe i'm just selfish but i was sitting there in the movie thinking, "holy shit, what would happen if i lost five years of my memory?"  so when the movie was over and n and i were driving home, i said that to her, "could you imagine how terrible it would be if you lost five years of your memory?"  she said back "yeah, it would be terrible.  we literally wouldn't know anything about our jobs.  we would have been fresh out of college (in our minds) and completely without a damn clue."  so i went on and on thinking out loud about the many things that i wouldn't know, my job, the path i took to get to this job, that my parent's business got swallowed by the economy, that they guy i thought i was going to marry and i had broken up years ago, that i had lost several friends i used to be very close to, and on and on and on.  then it occurred to me, i have met a lot of people in the last five years.  and that of my close friends, most of them have been there a long time.  but jeremy hasn't.  it feels like forever but i only met him in 2008.  i wouldn't even recognize his name.  if i was waking up from a coma and like n, danielle, katie, jen, my parents and jeremy were there, i would recognize everyone but him.  how horrible.  

as i thought more about this, i thought about how lucky i would be to have friends that would be able to help steer me back through the muck, since they have been there for a long time.  but i also thought, how horrible it would be to have to relive some of the things i already experienced or to have to be that friend who has to explain it to me.  i was considering if i had to explain to n  the last five years of her life and force her to know that grandfather had passed away in that time.  i also assume that i would get quite frustrated by everything.  i am very proud of my memory so to suddenly just not have it.  i couldn't even imagine.

that being said, i've been considering the idea that maybe a traumatic brain injury that leads to memory loss might not be a terrible idea.  at least i wouldn't have to come to work.  in fact, i wouldn't understand how i got my job, let alone how to do my job.  or why i work in the field that i'm in.  this wasn't what i thought i would be doing when i was 22 and thinking about the future.  (oh god, i just realized  how disappointed i would be all over again...) besides all the bad stuff that i naturally fixated on first, it would be like having a do-over.  i would get to try my 20s again, even though i'd be nearly done with them. perhaps there is a chance that i would be braver, i would be bolder maybe.  or at the very least, i'd forget about how soul sucking work can feel.  because honestly, all day long it's felt like there is a dementor in my computer trying to make out with me.  maybe i just need a vacation.  i probably should reconsider this brain injury/amnesia thing.  but it does sound kind of exciting.

from the girl who is literally counting down until it's time to embrace the sunshine (and patio drinks.)

until next time...

when i grow up...

There are few questions in my life that I'm completely incapable of answering. Usually I'm pretty good at coming up with something even when I feel not completely prepared, like earlier this week when I was on the radio and had to speak about President Obama's economic plan with a republican host. But there is one question in particular I have never been able to answer that is on my mind. Whether I've been asked in a job interview, by a political colleague or a friend I stumble around and say something vaguely intelligible (with the exception of speaking with a few very close friends where I will admit I have no answer.) And honestly, each time I throw out some answer I am always surprised by whatever it is that I've said. When asked where I see myself in five years, my mind goes blank and I immediately feel a sense of dread and something that I think is like failure. How can I have no idea? How can I have no goals? I've always viewed myself as a goal oriented person. Isn't that how most people declared "smart" or "leaders" during their educational career view themselves? Upon a closer life reflection of those years, I'm not entirely sold that I've ever actually been goal oriented which creates a whole different kind of confusion for me. I mean, sure I wanted good grades, I wanted to graduate college with a good degree, having made good friends and solid life experiences and I wanted to fall in love. After leaving college, I wanted a job that paid the bills that I was good at. Seems like pretty generic stuff to me and honestly how can I use that to really suggest that I have had goals I have worked hard for? Perhaps I should feel less stressed by this now given that it has always been the case but perception is reality right? So I always perceived myself this way and now I have no idea what I want for my life and my future. In the most general, generic way, I know what I want. I want a husband, a family, good friends and a job I love to do that I'm good at. Who that is, what job that is and how to get there is all a mystery. Perhaps, much like being an adult, knowing these things or being able to determine a clear path to achieving these things is a hoax. Everyone stumbles around and some how things come together. Perhaps it's magic or why people have religious beliefs.

As previously established, I like watching for patterns in behavior. I feel like it is the best way to really learn about people. Based on some of my observations I have been wondering about something that I feel compelled to share. Perhaps it is simply a symptom of being in your twenties or just the people I surround myself with or personality types but I think that there are stages that people go through with regards to their jobs. Stages that aren't entirely dissimilar to the stages of death and dying that Elizabeth Kübler-Ross made a relatively main stream idea. Below I will present a scenario of receiving a job followed by what I believe to be the stages of dissatisfaction and quitting.

First things first, everything goes right. You get a job that you have been looking forward to. Something that finally became available, a total career change or something you have worked hard for. You get it and everything is going just swimmingly. Time goes on, like it does, and that shine of the new job starts to fade. Things change and it's no longer as fulfilling as it was.

1. Denial. You deny that things are going differently or even badly in some cases. You try to justify that it's just a bad day, bad week, bad project. It will all be over soon enough and things will go back to normal.

2. Anger. You realize that despite your best efforts things aren't getting any better and are becoming frustrating. You get angry that no matter what you do, something is still wrong, things are still off and it causes you to be in a funk. An anger and frustration caused funk.

3. Bargaining. You can only continue to do this job if things change, if you get paid more, if your supervisor/colleagues respect you more as a coworker or you some how become re-engaged in the work that you are doing.

4. Depression. The very sad moment of realization that it's not going to get better and it's up to you to make a decision. Do you stay at this job that is clearly not fulfilling or do you cut your losses? Each day you arrive at work you think about leaving or take increased time off because you can't be there. It has become too much to bear.

And finally, 5. Acceptance. This is it. You are at peace with the fact that you can't keep coming to this job. It's time to quit. Now it's just a matter of finding a new job that hopefully is fulfilling, though at the moment the only thing that matters is that it pays. You are checked out and completely not interested in anything that is going on. It's all about getting out.

Now I'm sure that the prospect that work and dying can line up so easily is probably troubling but sometimes, a bad job kind of feels like you are slowly dying. Again, maybe it's just me and the people I've surrounded myself with that go through this. I like to think not though.

From the girl who just wants to know what she wants to be when she grows up.

Until next time...