once upon a time, i thought that i would go to college, meet the love of my life, graduate, start a fabulous career, get married and start a family at a reasonable age (in my mind, around 28-30.) i thought that i would know what i wanted to be when i grew up and that love would find a way to prove to me it was there. i thought i would understand what people meant when they say "i just knew he/she was the one." once upon a time, my life was going to be grand, difficult like life tends to be but when i looked back from my twilight i would smile and think, i did it all. i was going to have my life together.
once upon a reality, i went to college, found and still currently maintain love, graduated, stumbled into a career, and work tirelessly. of course, life hardly ever plans out the way you think. especially when the you that is moving on to the mid morning of your life also known as the twenties. in fact, in a lot of ways i think that i am the only thing that stands between me and what my once upon a time life. there is a deeply tragic thought; that i am the one who causes myself grief and creates a disconnection between what i dreamed of and what i experience. the marvelous thing here is that there is a simple solution. if i am what is in the way, perhaps all i need to do is shift to the left to be on my way.
the thing here is while that all sounds simple, it is hard for me to know if that once upon a time thinking even fits with the person that i am that is standing away from my potential greatness. several times in recent weeks i have been called out as "hating it when people are happy." this is in response to my groans and complaints when i happen upon people in my life (via facebook) that are married and/or have/having children. my response is that i don't hate happy people; i just expect more. but what the hell does that mean? i might be unfair in thinking that the people who i see while stalking diligently through facebook aren't happy and feel as if their once upon a time adolescent dreams aren't unfolding before their eyes. perhaps there is something wrong with the way that i think. my instant thought is that they have thrown away a part of their life, that they have sacraficed the time, the only time, in their life where they have the option to be selfish, to try ridiculous things, to love freely, to make mistakes, to start a career, to finish school, to skydive or skinny deep just because you can.
alright, i'm probably being unfair in assuming that because you have a spouse or a kid or two that all good and fun things in your life come crashing to a halt. what i am aware of is that all i have to account for is myself, my job and make sporatic appearances with my family and commit time to maintaining relationships that are dear to me, romantic and friendships. this is and always has been a common theme for me. i stumble in understanding what is the rush.
here's the kicker. i've been in a relationship with my love, my lover, my one and only, my first for nearly four years and we have been together longer than most of my married friends have been with their spouses. maybe they know something i don't know or felt something i don't feel. or maybe they are impetuous. i have never been a big fan of diving in without knowing what i'm getting myself into; i'm quite afraid of being malled to death by sharks. this is not the first, nor do i assume will it be the last time that i think myself into a tizzy about things i can never possibly come to a reasonable conclusion about. i think all the time and in this instance, i know that i have worked myself to a place where i understand that i am my own worst enemy because my brain is so much better at decision making than my heart.
hope that one doesn't bite me in the ass eventually.
just a few random thoughts mulling around in my mind.
from the girl that gets a little bit ill at the thought of marriage. until next time...
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