musing (twice in one day after failing for weeks.)

now listen, i never made any false pretenses that life would be easy as a grown up. i never really thought that things landed at your feet or necessarily went the way you planned. but i did think one thing. i've hardly ever been the kind of person that has given much thought to an affair. i'm not even thinking about it now. but my reason behind this is some giant beacon of morality. no it is much easier than all of that. two reasons really. number one, i have a hard enough time keeping up one relationship, how could i possibly imagine dealing with two? especially if i would have to be hiding them from each other? number two, i don't think i have ever seriously liked more than one person at a time and i know that i have only ever loved one person at a time. and by "at a time" i mean ever. see, this is much more simple than jesus or something. it's laziness and that shit is bullet proof.

the other night, bare in mind this is some five days after my four year anniversary, i found myself thinking what it would be like to sleep with someone else. not even necessarily have sex but to share a bed with another man. i am not much of a cuddler but the thought crossed my mind anyway. what would it be like to sleep with someone else? i wasn't particularly freaked out by my train of thought, though i probably should have been. i mean seriously, what kind of person thinks about sleeping with someone else just casually as if it was a thought about what to wear to work the next day? the problem best as i can tell is that i think i might want to. this is not to say that i want to end my relationship but i can't really see a situation where i sleep (non-sexually) with another man and stay in my relationship.

i wouldn't say that i am bored with my relationship. i love him but i fear that he and i may have made it to the end of our time together. for reasons i would rather not explicitly lay out on the internet, it has become clear to me that i may have either reassess how i feel about certain beliefs i hold on to tight, find a reasonable compromise, or experience what life may hold as a single twenty something. but i'm jumping to conclusions. it was just a thought one time. there can't possibly be harm in that.

but thought one time, what can that turn into? that is what worries me. i am quite capable of dealing with my own emotions and bullshit and certianly just because i think something does in now way lead it to be true or real.

i'll shelf it for now. no sense in worrying about non-sense that was just a thought one time.

from that girl who thinks too much until next time...