i have this habit of over-thinking things. lately, i have found that it is fun to overthink my impending ten year high school reunion. quite frankly, i can't understand why it's an exciting prospect at all. in my mind, it's a reminder of how much time has gone by though i hardly feel like the kind of adult i would expect to feel like by the time i was ten years out of high school. for others, i understand that this is some kind of exciting thing; to reconnect with old friends from the past. if facebook has taught me anything, it's that a lot of people that were friends in high school are still friends or married to each other. and there is facebook now. why do i need to get dressed up to go play nice with people that i didn't like when i was in high school anyway? the answer seems to be that i'm going to want to. and i was kind of forced into promising n that i would go. she said if i didn't go willingly then she would force me into going. i'm not much for being drugged and taken anywhere against my will. most of the over-thinking that i do stays right inside my head where it belongs but occasionally this stuff spills out of my mouth often times hits jeremy in the face. the other day he told me that i should look forward to going to my high school reunion because i have "succeeded in doing what you are supposed to do after high school." he went on to explain that he meant that i had finished college, i have a good job (with an organization that does good work that i'm proud to work for), i have made solid friends and i am involved in my community. i was quick to be snappy and say that i was actually involved with his community more so than my own and then he reminded me about the whole library board gig. he felt compelled to reiterate that i should feel proud of myself and that my former classmates will be impressed. of course, all i could think about were the many former classmates who are now married, have children, are doctors, lawyers or in pursuit of some other higher education. i conceded that unlike most of the people i went to high school with, i am involved with my community. they were all busy getting married, having children or getting higher degrees. at least i have a reputation to show for it. he is looking forward to his ten year reunion, two years after mine, which seems natural to me. he has accomplished a great deal at 25 and he should be proud. this got me to thinking about the different ways that men and women qualify success. our successes have been different but similar enough and the shortcomings that i can spot are also similar. neither of us have committed to anyone to settle down and while that causes both of us some personal angst, it doesn't bother him a societal mark of some kind of failure like it does with me. and in my mind, i can't reconcile the feeling of not being a success against the people i used to easily compete for grades with ten years ago. i do know that just because they are married, have kids, are a doctor, lawyer or some kind of ph d, that doesn't mean that they are happy. and just because i wander aimlessly most of the time, it doesn't mean i'm not happy. that should be the measure of success. that's what i need to remind myself.
yesterday, n sent me an article about women in their 20s rushing into marriage. i read it but i can't say that i was surprised even a little bit. the article talked about women rushing into marriage because they were ready for the next logical step in their relationship, because it didn't matter who they married since they didn't have that first love they pined after still and a couple other reasons. then the article talked about these same young women getting divorced. it seems to make sense to me. i don't understand why there is some rush to get married. it's is a commitment that you are making for the rest of your life. we are expected to live well into our 70s on average. probably longer depending on your genes. so even if i was to get married tomorrow and i die first at age 77, i'll still have been married for 50 years. that's a long time to spend with one person. these are the kinds of decisions that need to be given a lot of thought and not jumped into because of some trivial reason that seemed brilliant in your early 20 something mind.
why rant about this? because i think it actually connects to something else. i have a friend who isn't very good at using the manners that parents spend lots of time teaching the toddlers. please, thank yous, excuse me, etc. everything is a demand and expected. n was venting to me about this a bit yesterday and it got me to thinking. this is a friend that i made in my 20s, unlike n who i've been friends with since i was in middle school (oh those early teen days...) listening to n vent made me think of all the many things that are wrong with most of the friends i have made in my 20s. don't get me wrong, i don't think i'm exempt from this. i think we are all broken and would benefit seriously from some therapy. but of course, if i were to suggest that, it would come off as offensive, as if there is something wrong with talking to someone about stuff you can't handle on your own. please. so why do i do deal with these kinds of friends? because i'm settling. i know that it's hard to make friends the older you get. hell it's hard to meet people in general and to find people who don't suck? forget it. it seems to get harder and harder with each passing year. so i put up with it and remain frustrated because i can't divorce them. for political reasons, for practical reasons and for whatever other reasons there might be. we've be woven together and so instead of cutting someone out of my life like i would in the old days, i grin and bear it and just keep my distance as much as possible. but why should friendships be like this? because somewhere along the line i said it was okay. it was okay for me to deal with their nonsense and not vocalize my opinions when they should arise if it is for the betterment of that person or your relationship; it's my belief that's what friends should do. like i could tell n she was being a pain in my ass, i could verbally bitch slap her for something. sure, she wouldn't like it but at the end of the day, she knows that i'm not attacking her. the same works both ways.
the closest friends that i have, the friends that i choose the keep the closest, with the exception of jeremy, i have known for many, many years. our friendships have been tried, tested and forged through many of a less than pleasant situation but i know that if i need to have a good cry about something, i can pick up the phone and call any of my ooows ladies and they are there for me. maybe i didn't try as hard or was more accepting with these friends i've made in my 20s because i knew that no matter what, i already had my close friends and there really isn't room for anyone else. i think these two concepts are similar. in our 20s, we rush. we rush to do what we think is right, to live where we think is right, to take the job opportunity we think is right, to marry the person we think is right. we think too damn much. we overthink everything. and i'm as guilty as any of the rest of us but seriously, we might do better to stop for a minute, enjoy the moment we are in with the people we are with and go from there. something to think about.
from the girl who just wants to succeed at everything.
until next time...
