if i hear the phrase "it's on my mind" one more time, i'm probably going to snap.

it's mid march in the mitten.  the sky is perfectly blue, no clouds and 70s degrees.  i'm totally jealous that i'm only looking at it through my window at work.  i may or may not be counting down the moments until i get outside and spend every moment possible outside before the sun goes down.  apparently it's supposed to rain tomorrow so this is my one chance.  this is the thing i love about michigan and always amuses me.  yesterday was also a gorgeous day here but this time of the year, you never know how long it's going to last.  so you watch people go to crazy lengths to get out and enjoy it because you know that even though the weather says 67 and rain tomorrow, it could snow.  people are bound to be out today sporting sandals, and probably bare legs.  i'm bound to see at least two men in shorts and probably one in a tank top.  i'm not immune to this.  as a life long michigander, i know what i'm in for.  sure i'm wearing shoes today but i'm not against switching them for the flip flops that are (still) in my car.  i'll roll down my windows when i drive home while blasting my music (old school madonna) because i can and it makes me happy.  and i plan to have a drink on a patio later.  yes, these are the days that i love.  they are warning me that summer is coming.  i'll take it, even if it is early and we didn't have real winter and i'm a little concerned that this is actually climate change...

the other day i went with n and saw the movie "the vow."  you know, the one with rachel mcadam and channing tatum.  she loses her memory after suffering a traumatic brain injury and channing tatum spends the movie trying to get her to remember shit, namely that they are married and in love.  my first problem with this movie is very simple. if i woke up after being in a coma and channing tatum was standing at the end of my bed and said to me "i'm your husband" i wouldn't even doubt him.  memory or no memory.  i would ask once to verify, you know, "really? you're sure?" then that would be it.  i would never ask another question trying to get him to prove to me that we are married.  though i might ask about changing our vows to include something about him always being shirtless when at home.  seems practical.

anyway, rachel mcadam lost her memory and lost five years of her life.  i think most people who saw this movie were sad that she lost her memory, lost the life that she had and had so much work to do to get back everything she lost in a moment.  well yeah.  i got that.  i was very sad for her and for channing tatum.  and maybe i'm just selfish but i was sitting there in the movie thinking, "holy shit, what would happen if i lost five years of my memory?"  so when the movie was over and n and i were driving home, i said that to her, "could you imagine how terrible it would be if you lost five years of your memory?"  she said back "yeah, it would be terrible.  we literally wouldn't know anything about our jobs.  we would have been fresh out of college (in our minds) and completely without a damn clue."  so i went on and on thinking out loud about the many things that i wouldn't know, my job, the path i took to get to this job, that my parent's business got swallowed by the economy, that they guy i thought i was going to marry and i had broken up years ago, that i had lost several friends i used to be very close to, and on and on and on.  then it occurred to me, i have met a lot of people in the last five years.  and that of my close friends, most of them have been there a long time.  but jeremy hasn't.  it feels like forever but i only met him in 2008.  i wouldn't even recognize his name.  if i was waking up from a coma and like n, danielle, katie, jen, my parents and jeremy were there, i would recognize everyone but him.  how horrible.  

as i thought more about this, i thought about how lucky i would be to have friends that would be able to help steer me back through the muck, since they have been there for a long time.  but i also thought, how horrible it would be to have to relive some of the things i already experienced or to have to be that friend who has to explain it to me.  i was considering if i had to explain to n  the last five years of her life and force her to know that grandfather had passed away in that time.  i also assume that i would get quite frustrated by everything.  i am very proud of my memory so to suddenly just not have it.  i couldn't even imagine.

that being said, i've been considering the idea that maybe a traumatic brain injury that leads to memory loss might not be a terrible idea.  at least i wouldn't have to come to work.  in fact, i wouldn't understand how i got my job, let alone how to do my job.  or why i work in the field that i'm in.  this wasn't what i thought i would be doing when i was 22 and thinking about the future.  (oh god, i just realized  how disappointed i would be all over again...) besides all the bad stuff that i naturally fixated on first, it would be like having a do-over.  i would get to try my 20s again, even though i'd be nearly done with them. perhaps there is a chance that i would be braver, i would be bolder maybe.  or at the very least, i'd forget about how soul sucking work can feel.  because honestly, all day long it's felt like there is a dementor in my computer trying to make out with me.  maybe i just need a vacation.  i probably should reconsider this brain injury/amnesia thing.  but it does sound kind of exciting.

from the girl who is literally counting down until it's time to embrace the sunshine (and patio drinks.)

until next time...