i'm sitting at my desk listening to a john mayer playlist on grooveshark that reminds me of my freshman year of college. i don't recall that it rained that much when i was a freshman but i just had major deja vu with the blinds down in my office, the rain falling outside and the general darkness of the room while john mayer's voice serenades me. it's a particularly dreary wednesday. perhaps this is why my mind has decided to wander off into deja vu.
unrelated, when i woke up this morning, my whole body ached. so many things are confusing about this morning. last night i went to sleep early for me and still managed to wake up ten minutes late for work. for most people, i don't think ten minutes off of their morning routine really throws off too much. it's my understanding that real adults leave some margin for error/eating breakfast/putting on make up, into their routine but as previously established, i am not a real adult. to this end, i give myself exactly 14 minutes to get from my bed to driving. this is a difficult task but it can be done. i do it most days of the week but today, i failed. i try to wake up earlier to give myself time to do other things, like my hair or makeup, but unless there is a really good motivator, i can't get myself to do anything before i know i absolutely have to. so besides being late, i had this whole body aching thing to deal with. it hurt to get dressed, brush my teeth and pet my dog. that seems excessive. it made me wonder if perhaps i was actually in some kind of fight club last night instead of happily tucked into my bed for eight hours of glorious sleep. things are less intensely sore now but still. i wonder what happened.
lately i've been reconnecting with people i formerly was friends with but went through a period of wanting nothing to do with. this isn't usually something i do. i'm notorious for not giving people a second chance, by people who have known me for a long time anyway. i just figure that if i have decided against you, why bother revisiting the topic ever again? then it occurred to me that people change sometimes. not a lot, but sometimes even that small amount of change is what is necessary to bring people back together, right? besides that, i think that it's a good thing for me to try and defrost my otherwise icy heart and i figure that the way to do that is to do things that other people find to be appropriate and stop being such a bitch all the time. this, of course, means that i need to accept some of the blame for whatever went wrong years ago, rather than just sitting around waiting for an apology. it's been hard but i like to think better in the long run. either i'll learn that it's smart for me to let people in and give a second chance when it's merited or that i should have never tried this experiment. either way i'm right and as jeremy would point out, i'll take being right, even when it's being right about being wrong.
i am a best friend kind of person. i've talked about this before. i like having one friend that knows me better than anyone else and that i'm closer to than my other friends. my college best friend and i had a falling out last year which after seven years of being friends i thought would be over something more major. i wrote at him via this blog back in december. we haven't talked much/at all/of any substance, which was particularly difficult considering this is someone that i used to confide everything in. but i made a decision. he wanted to make poor life decisions, i didn't need to sit around and wait for him. he randomly called me last night. well rather, not randomly. the detroit electronic music festival is happening this memorial day weekend, like it does every year. we used to go together, even with him having lived in california for the last five years. and a friend let me know that he had recently decided that he was going to come back for the weekend. i felt a minor twang of guilt when i ignored his call last night, opting to continue with my plans instead but i couldn't figure out how i would say "no" if he was to ask if he could stay with me during his visit. instead we texted and it was moderately awkward.
this got me thinking. debating in my mind to call him back or to text instead or what i would say when/if i called (and by in my head i also mean with jeremy's guidance as my conscience) why do i feel so much more about this than other relationships that have fallen apart? i know that i don't want to talk to him, much less see him, but i'm still entertaining the idea of having dinner with him while he's in town. part of the stupidity i think is that i think that some day in the future we might be friends again and i wouldn't want him to complain to me in ten years about the time that i wouldn't meet up with him for dinner. but then again, if we were to meet up again in ten years, it would probably be because we both realized that this whole period in time has been stupid and we need to get beyond it. i am sufficiently over thinking something that is actually an easy decision. i literally found myself thinking at one point last night "well i go to a lot of dinners and things i don't want to go to. why should this be different?" i know, it's stupid. i feel stupid even admitting it.
when my ex and i broke up, i was better at not talking to him or wanting to talk to him than i am with this former best friend. but i think that was different. we were still in love when we broke up and i knew if i didn't keep my distance, i would do something stupid. and i hate looking/being stupid. and besides that, i wanted him to be happy. we were going to make each other crazy if we stayed together or stayed friends. and i did a really good job of breaking his heart (so he told me) so he didn't want to be around me anyway. a couple of idiotic phone calls and bad choices later, i learned my lesson and decided to stay away. in this case, i keep trying to remind myself that after spending a year being upset and hurt by this former best friend, i would be stupid to subject myself to spending time with him. that's what i keep trying to reinforce, trying to get it to sink through my head. that this isn't the friend i used to live with. the friend that i used to spend a lot of my time with, traveling around, staying up all night, whatever. this is some guy that replaced him. and that guy is a douche bag who hasn't earned my friendship. it's a little harsh but i'm pretty sure it's right on.
from the girl who needs to get back to focusing on work.
until next time...
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